Anticipation

That moment when for the first time in a long time
You wake up happy
Eager for your day
It may be something as small as a scheduled visit with a beloved friend
A time to talk when you are awake
I am excited and eager
This time is mine

Circles

Around and around in circles my mind spins.
I can do “whatever I want.”
The choice is up to me.
Make a choice and be firm
Go with your gut
Trust your heart
The ball is in court

But what if I want conflicting things?
My heart wants one choice
My mind says that choice is unwise
Priories need to be focused
Choices aligned with priorities

_____________

That moment when you are speechless
When the words that normally flow like rivers
Are dammed up in your mouth,
The words you count on failing you
And you have nothing

“To each action there is an equal and opposite reaction”
Well in my opinion, this is true to more than just physics. When I have friends come to visit or new people come into my life, I delight in it and them. I become deliriously happy. But, when they leave….
Even if I always knew it would be temporary, I grieve. I pout. I ache and lately, I cry. I hate the crying most of all. Especially if it was just a visitor, no one has died or is gone forever. They just went home…and are not. with. me.
I don’t know if it is just because I do not wish to be stuck with just myself. I do not know if it is because I have a fear of abandonment (not that I was ever abandoned as a child). Or perhaps, when someone leaves, I see it as a failure on my part to keep them wanting me and to be with me. Perhaps I see it as “I was not good enough, or enough to keep them.” In any case, hellos to me are smiles, while goodbye bring tears.

Noticing

As I sit here thinking and looking around
I realize that there is so much beauty to be found.

The laugh of a dirty child,
The knowing grin of a gorgeous girl beginning become her own,
The defense of a younger brother for his sister,
The teen trying to prove himself to ask out the sister
The sweaty smile of a boy happy to see his mom,
A beautiful girl trying to find poise, while still a little wild.

The cool breeze on a beautiful warm day
The light filtering through the green leaves
The explosion of color of new blooms
On the other side of the window pollinating bees
Breaking through the clouds, a single brilliant ray

In the simple quiet moments, when eyes meet across the room
A face lights up, a heart beats and a smile is returned
It is praying to a Father, pouring out your soul
It is knowing that He hears you and your lesson has been learned
Remembering that your single thread matters in the great and master loom.

Constants that are Not

I used to think the moon was such a constant thing,
But tonight she is moving all through the sky looking as unstable as I feel.
There was another that I used to believe was a constant in my life,
That niave delusion was shattered tonight.
Like a fool I built my emotional foundation on that “knowledge”
And now I must pick up the pieces of it all.
I must face my daughter and admit to my foolishness so that she can be wiser than I.
I must rebuilt my foundation brick by brick and sometimes pebble by pebble or just by layers of dust.
I must learn to be happy with my feet on the ground never again to be raised on pedestals in the sky.
I must learn to face the darkness alone or find some other source of light.
I must learn to create my own wind if I ever again wish to fly
Never again to trust the wind of others.
I must learn how to close my heart, sew it up tight
Never allow it to again leave my chest
Even a year of delight is not worth the lifetime of pain to follow
I must accept that I no longer have a best friend, I must accept that part of my life as over.
I must accept my own flaws, faults and failures
And know that they are mine alone, never again to be argued away
I must accept that parts of me that were growing in the light of virtual love,
Must be again shut in the dark to die.
I must accept my mask again, never again to be removed.
I must weld it to me and somehow once again learn to love it.
I must accept my lesson as learned and somehow learn to let it go and move on while tears run like rivers down my face.

Some thing that are over just have to stay over. They can not and should not attempt to be restored.

Always Remember

I love this beautiful reminder that we are all more than just what we see here in this moment of this life.

iiThinks

Your heart is speaking
Do you hear it calling you?
It whispers softly
‘Don’t lose yourself in this world
Always Remember
You are an eternal soul
Forged from a most sacred light
Never forget that
You’ve been born with wings to fly
Let the winds of Grace take you
Deep within your hallowed self
And up through celestial skies’

View original post

Aching Anew

Sometimes when I think I might be over you
I hear a song or my children will say something
Or I will think a thought
Or my dog will just give me that look
And I feel the hole in my heart so huge
I ache for you
My heart screams desperately into the void
as I hang onto the door jambs for support
I pray
I pray with desperation of one lost in a torrent
Awash and fearful of being swept out to sea
Clinging I pray for us both
Praying that God knows what He is doing in our lives
That He will help us find peace

Somehow

Air

To know I am not alone,
Not really alone
Makes the breathing possible
Having a friend, a brother or even a sister
Bring air back into a room
A room where I was frightened that that air no longer existed.

Knowing that, at least to them,
I matter as an individual person,
More than my titles or responsibilities
They may never know how literally and how many times
My life has been saved by their care.

Words are inadequate to tell such a friend how much they mean to you
How important they are
Words are not enough to describe the great worth of such a friend
I hope they know because with just words I will never be able to tell them.